i'm crying in the bathroom again, this time it’s while i'm brushing my teeth.
and while i'm feeling totally miserable, i note that despite the tears, i look pretty.
immediately my brain counters, how can i possibly be thinking about how i look in a moment of actual emotion? how can two entirely opposite thought processes be happening in tandem? and how could the intrusive thought be a vain one? i'm crying because i'm in the throes of a full im-a-failure meltdown, i'm not pretty?? I SUCK.
my brain does this kind of thing all the time, a 4th-wall-breaking, look-to-camera moment but within my own brain. i'm so cripplingly aware of myself that i can’t even allow myself to feel a single emotion to its completion.
but despite all of this, here i am, in the bathroom crying and thinking i'm pretty, trying desperately to cheer myself up after a particularly hard day of attempting to create something of value or something that i can feel proud of and failing spectacularly.
i have good days and bad days when it comes to being creative, but lately i have found it harder than usual. by going on this journey to find my personal style, i fear i have opened up an entire closet of worms. i am now asking myself scary questions like: do i love what i'm doing? forget about personal style, who even am i? what is my point of view? what have i been put on this earth to do? terrifying, i know.
i have also found myself face to face with the big bad C word: comparison. i used to look at people who compared themselves to others and think they were silly. these were just people who weren’t confident enough in their own point of view and their own voice to push forward and actualise their own vision.
im not like those people? right?
wrong, i am now one of these people. it started with inspiration and moodboarding platforms, specifically pinterest. and look (subtitle aside) i'm not going to sit here and hate on pinterest for the next 10 paragraphs, i LOVE pinterest. it's just that pinterest and i are in a toxic relationship.
and not just pinterest, but all of the other inspiration, moodboard platforms as well.
pinterest can be such an incredible source of inspiration. i can spend hours building my dream wardrobe, pulling ideas from some of the most talented fashion people from all over the world.
but that's just it. they’re dreams, not reality. and the minute i'm back in front of my own wardrobe, i am disappointed with what i am confronted with. i used to feel inspired by moodboarding, taking things i had seen and applying them to my wardrobe in my own way, but more and more i feel myself directly copying and then feeling discouraged and depressed when my outfit doesn’t look exactly like the girl in the picture.
i'm not saying anything groundbreaking here, we are all aware of the big C slowly killing us all on social media, but i guess i just never thought it would affect me so much? especially not on pinterest. we are fed videos, memes and articles constantly talking about building our dream closets or planning our summer wardrobes. it’s the girlypop, girls' girl thing to do and no one else seems to be having the issues i'm having.
so is it just me? when did i stop believing in my own vision and listening to my own style cues? when did i lose control and let the big C take the wheel? i love looking through magazines, tumblr pages and pinterest boards—seeing what other people are creating should be inspiring.
other people's cool wardrobes, creativity and talent isn’t an absence of my own, right?
right! and objectively i know all of this and i have spent enough years on social media to know that comparing myself to others is stupid. so why (i am asking you) am i crying in the bathroom thinking i'm pretty and spiralling because i'm-a-failure?
ultimately and annoyingly i think the answer is what every social media gen z expert therapist would say, and that is that i need balance. i need to strike a balance between finding inspiration from others and finding inspiration externally—looking to other, more tangible sources: art galleries, books, magazines, cinema, PEOPLE. consuming as much as i can outside of fashion that will then inform my fashion. what colours do i like? what paintings? what poems? what campaign visuals?
so what will happen to me and pinterest? i'm not sure. i don’t think i can cut ties altogether, but we may need to go on a break (just for a bit!) while i sort the personal style stuff out. stay tuned i guess.
and full speed ahead to ep 5!! get in losers we’re going vintage shopping…
we have now reached the portion of the blog where i pause my existential fashion ramblings, and together we go through my literal open tabs. Here’s what im loving this week!!
IZZYS OPEN TABS
GIRL CLUMSY
i was introduced to this brand very recently and i am OBSESSED, their latest collection is to die for (the polo and bikini especially). think like preppy but also office-wear, 90’s paloma wool vibes. they’re a small brand based in AUS and you neeed to go check them out.
POM BLOUSE CREAM
charlie beads are more known for their bloomers BUT they also design other things like this stunning pom blouse, omg i love her so much! the collar, the colour, the crop. I AM JUST OBSESSED.
COLETTE BODYSUIT BUTTER STRIPE
im not a huge bodysuit person usually but this one from miaou has me all turned around. i love that its little shorts with a halter neck and THE COLOUR. i love everything miaou create and if anyone was going to convince me to wear a bodysuit its them.
CHARLIE BEADS FLOWER
i love a brooch moment, especially a fabric flower brooch moment and these ones from charlie beads are my favourite. pin them it your top or tie it around your neck, its such a cute and versatile way to accessorise, i am in love.
STRIPED STRAPLESS TOP
its a tube top, neon, addison rae, indie sleeze summer and vinted eu has so many cute striped strapless tops for like 5 euro. go go go! this one is so fun and would look so good with a bikini and some cuffed denim shorts.
VIVIENNE WESTWOOD PIRATE BOOTS
these are a classic and i have wanted them for so long and they would not be here if they were in my size! someone please get these, you wont regret it, theyre so chic and will elevate every outfit you wear.
c u next friday <3
izzy.opentabs.com
The pom blouse was in my dreams🤧😭💘💬